Harry Potter: The untold Story
by emsiok
Summary: This tragic tale of Mary Sues and Dr. Phil, Cheating werewolves and drugs, Groovy New Dumbledore's and death eaters preforming Phantom of the Opera will amaze readers everywhere. Well, no, not really. Cowritten by AceNotMary and Joe, the spanish class kid
1. Chapter 1

A/N: All right, I can't take full credit for this loverly story. This is the product of too much spare time in Spanish class and my friend's weird brain (mine too!) So basically, this lovely story came about in a form sort of like a round robin ,but not really. We pretty much each write a few sentences and then pass it to the other person until we finish. So this goes out to Joe, who actually never visits this site, but whatever. He helped me write it. Just so you know, I love Harry Potter. Oh, and if this doesn't make sense to you, too bad, deal with it!

Chapter One: Pickles the Dog with a Liver Problem

Once there was a poor hobo named Pockets. Pockets was a poor hobo, and he ate any children he could find. Pockets wasn't always as pathetic as he was now. He was once incredibly rich for his invention, the juxtapoo, a fun toy for kids. He had a sexy trophy wife named Roxie, and together they had two sexy children. But Pockets had forgotten to read the marriage contract, and his sexy wife divorced him and took all of his money. Poor, poor pockets. But he had his revenge. He ate sexy Roxie and the sexy children with a garlic dipping sauce that was lip smacking good.

Unfortunately, he later realized that his sexy wife had all of the sexy money in her pocket, and so he ended up digesting a wad of thousand dollar bills. Now, he was just a poor fat cannibal hobo. Although very sexy.

He devoted his life to licking bricks outside of Little Tokyo, a hobby which earned him many stares. But he didn't care. Those bricks tasted good!

His only other passion in life was pockets. He never forgave himself for not checking his sexy wife's pockets and because of this went completely insane, spending the little money he had on material to make pockets. He used his own hair as thread. He used his dead sexy wife's bones as needles.

One day he was chewing on a tastyricious piece of gristle, when a widdle cutesy wootsy puppy wandered into his cave. Pockets began planning to dip his wickle tail into marinara sauce. All of a sudden, the puppy hacked and coughed and spewed until he had coughed up a huge wad of money.

"Money!" exclaimed the hobo. "I can buy food! Or better! Pockets!"

Just as suddenly as the money came, it was gone. The puppy choked it back down.

"No!" cried the poor cannibal.

He smacked the money out of the puppy _(A/N: we do not in anyway condone violence on animals! Do not smack puppies, money spewing or otherwise!), _ran into little Tokyo bookshop and ran straight past the display of his favorite book (101 ways to prepare human flesh), and to the fantasy section.

(A/N: okay, this next part is really stupid and probably won't make much sense, but basically Joe and I have long conversations about what's better, fantasy, or manga. I saw fantasy he says manga, I say fantasy, so whatever.)

Then he ran to the manga section and bought a copy of all the One Piece books they had.

Then he ran back to the fantasy section.

Then he ran to the manga section and bought a copy of every Naruto book they had.

Then he picked up a copy of the Wallflower and beat Joe over the head with it (oops! That's just my subconscious speaking!)

Then he ran back to the manga section, even though he hadn't left yet, and bought all the Fruit Basket books.

Then he realized these books were perfect for dog papers for his new puppy, who he decided to call Pickles.

He bought some Tamora Pierce books. Even better dog papers!

Which is good, because honestly, if a hobo named Pockets started reading female empowerment novels set in the Middle Ages, I might think twice about reading those books.

He had once tried to read a Tamora Pierce book, but his brain exploded.

Proving that Tamora Pierce was simply too complicated for his plain male mind.

Yes, such as the first page with such "hard" words as "me am Tam-tam Peerce."

Anyway he ran back to the fantasy section and picked up a copy of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them by Newt Scamander (but not really because it's by J.K. Rowling, but why quibble?)

As he opened the book, a hand came out of nowhere and dragged him into an unknown world.

"Who are you oh strangely dressed man?" said a boy with a funny cut on his head.

"Harry, surely you can tell who this is!" exclaimed a brunette. "He is the great Pocket protector, he of whom the prophecies speak!"

The boy pouted. "I thought I was the one of whom the prophecies speak!"

"You are, but there is more then one prophecy. Anyway, the prophecies say he will answer any question directed to him and it will be true. You just have to ask your question and then say "Oh great and mighty pocket protector!" The only catch is, each person may ask only one question. I think you know what you must ask."

"Yeah! Does Ginny love me oh great and mighty- ow! Fine! Where is the final horcrux oh great and mighty pocket protector?"

"Why are you looking for Whores? Asked Pockets, only he was licking his toes at the time so it came out, "I think it's Hagrid."

"Then we must kill Hagrid!" sobbed the brunette. Pockets thought she would taste good with barbecue sauce.

"What about Hagrid?" said a boy with brilliant red hair and an Elton John T-shirt.

But it was too late to stop the scar boy, as he was already charging toward a large hairy man yelling "Come back! I'll kill you you God damn son of a…" he trailed off as he saw a small first year looking up at him, wide-eyed and he finished somewhat pathetically "…giant"

"Hagrid, can we kill you?" asked Neville, very politely.

"Well, when yeh puh ih thaw ah, I sps ah cahn reahy refoo."

Neville pulled out the sword of Godric Gryffindor and drove it straight into Hagrid's flask of butter beer.

"No! Mah buhah bee! Ih wah Dumbliblablidorible's lah gih tah me! I luh Dumbliblablidorible. Ah grah mah tha Dumbli…" but before he could finish, the scar boy interrupted him.

"Hold it hold it hold it! Everyone is stealing my stuff! First this guy steals my status as the chosen one," he gestured to Pockets, "and then Neville steals my sword! What is with that anyway? And then, Hagrid steals my role as grief/angst ridden teenager! And he's not even a teenager!"

Just then, a small redhead burst out of the castle yelling Avada Kedavra and killing small birds, first years, and other insignificant things.

Pockets looked around saying, "where's me doggy Pickles?"

"I ATE HIM FOR BREAKFAST!" yelled the insane redhead as everyone backed away slowly. "MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"No Ginny," said Harry. "I distinctly remember sharing a squirrel with you."

The Brunette broke into tears saying "but Harry, all the H/Hr shippers who want to boycott book seven think we should be together! I don't want to be with Ron! He smells funny!"

"You're forgetting Hermione; you're already dating Mad-Eye Moody. Plus, I'm too busy taking care of my insane sister to date."

Just then, Glenda Fairbanks stumbled out of the lake with what looked like a squid attached to her nose. She spoke "Dweedle,"she said before falling back into the lake.

"'Twas the lady of the lake!" exclaimed an entirely new person, tall, with a wolfish look about him, who would have been really hot in the movie if they hadn't cast a guy who looked like a door to door carpet salesman. "We must follow her word to the letter if we are to find the Green Flame Torch, defeat Voldemort, return Lily, James, Cedric, Sirius, and Dumbledore to life, return Ginny's brain, and cure my werewolfishness so I can marry my true love McGonig- I mean Tonks! Of course! Tonks!"

Professor McGonagall stepped toward the strange man whilst Pockets followed Hermione's instructions on how to dance the hokey pokey. The two began a personal-but-not-really-because-they-were-yelling conversation. "Lupin! Damn it! You're scaring all the first years man! It's totally not groovy man!" (yes, after her grief over Dumbledore's death, McGonagall had decided to embrace the free life, smoke some drugs, wear all tie-dye and generally return to her roots of the 70's. Although really, she was probably born a hundred or so years before that.)

"Okay! Let's work on the Pokey!" exclaimed Hermione. Harry stared at her.

"Ha! I think someone's been stealing from my personal supply of weed!"

"No! Bad Harry! Incendio!" yelled Hermione.

"WTF?" said Ron, but quickly changed the subject as Hermione turned her death glare toward him. "OK, so let's get back to this, umm, Lady of the Lake, umm, thing."

"Lady of the lake? I'll show YOU Lady of the lake!" shouted Hermione as she forced Ron ever closer to the lake.

"We must translate her speech," intoned the man named Lupin, ignoring the two teens about to kill each other. "from its original text in ancient Lagaeltpanifrenglinese, but unfortunately, only Dumbledore could speak that… ancient language."

"hey man! I got a new magical plant" said Neville holding up a conspicuous five leaved item.

"Umm, Neville, do you even know what that is?"

"OMG! A squirrel!" yelled Neville, chasing after a squirell that was really a leaf floating on the lake, causing him to fall into the water.

"Haha!" said McGonagall. "Now he can be the Lady of the Lake!" She stuck her pinky in a bag and sniffed.

"Here Ron! Join him!" Hermione pushed Ron into the lake.

As he climbed out, he said, "Wah! My socksies are all wet!" as he spoke the word, a small creature resembling a raisin on speed, or possibly Yoda, came barreling out of the castle yelling "SoCKKsiEs Mr. Harry Potter sir! soCkSIEs!"

He collided with Harry and began to shake him. "Give me my socksies damn it!" shouted Dobby. Another small Yoda knockoff wearing only a loincloth appeared. "Master is annoying, blah, blah, Mudblood! Blah blah, Aren't I predictable? Blah blah blah, Blood traitors, blah blah, kill the sock wearing freak!"

The two began wrestling, even though Harry had told them not to in book six. "Dobby wants some socksies!" exclaimed Dobby whilst pulling out a gun. "Don't make me do it Mr. Harry Potter sir! Don't make me do it!" he held the gun to his head.

"No Dobby! Put the gun down! We'll talk!" said Harry, sounding frantic.

BLAM

"Oh Damn, forgot to put the friggin bullet in!" Dobby walked toward the castle, dragging the gun dejectedly behind him.

"Pickles!" screamed Pockets.

Everyone looked at him.

"They forgot to put pickles on my Big Mac!"

He looked over to see a body lying in a pool of red liquid.

"Wow, I love to take baths in fruit punch!" said a girl with pink hair, "and now that Lupin loves me, everything is full of sunshine and daisies! Wotcha Hobo!"

"Where Hermy?" Came a voice from the forest. Grawp tripped on a rock and died. Hagrid started crying. Ron laughed and clapped his hands like a two year old.

"Pretty colors!" said Ginny,. Standing, next to McGonagall.

"Mrs. McGonagall, you're a cat. Your drugs are catnip. I know, because houses dranfanglenarglepoos. I was looking for them. You can read about it in this weeks edition of the Quibbler!"

"Moo." Said Pickles. Actually, not really Pickles, just a thestral intent on eating Hagrid.

"Are I in Camelot?" asked the forgotten Pockets, still trying to figure out exactly where he was.

"Speaking of Camelot, can we PLEASE get back to the Lady of the Lake whose magic will help me be normal and live with Mc…Tonks."

"Look!" exclaimed Harry, "a hobo! Plus Lupin, she only said 'Dweedle' and frankly, I don't see how that will help us. At all."

"Top hat!' said Dobby.

"Lord Moldy Shorts!" exclaimed Ron. "I get it now! That's funny!"

"I'm eating Nachos!" yelled Hermione. Ginny stole the nachos.

"To the batmobile!" Yelled a corpse with a ponytail beard rising from a grave marked 'Here Lies Dumbledore'

"Damn! Someone switched Gandolf and Dumbledore again!"

And with that happy thought, the whole Harry Potter gang ran off into the sunset, running over Pockets and Pickles, leaving them twitching on the ground.

THE END! (of chapter one)


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two: I'm Still Trying to Figure if Ron's Coming out of the Closet

One day, Harry and his good buddy Ron were playing quiditch in the common room. Don't ask how. It's magic! Anyway, just then Hermione burst in exclaiming, "I've found it! The last horcrux is- ow!" Hermione was knocked out by a bludger.

"Oh, sorry Hermione" Ron said. "I thought you were Snape."

"Um Ron I don't think she can hear you…" Ginny said.

"Ginny!" exclaimed Harry "You're cured! I thought you were insane! Now we can finally be together!"

"You didn't let me finish. I was going to say; she can't hear you because the voices in my head are talking way too loudly. Shut up! Shut up!" She whacked herself repeatedly on the head then went over to the corner and began rocking back and forth.

"Damn!" Harry yelled, "I really thought she was cured. Oh well, ron maybe you should go see if Hermione's… alive."

"Whoa! Harry!" exclaimed Ron, backing away from Hermione. "I don't swing that way!" long akward pause. "Oh, wait. Yeah I do swing that way, never mind."

Hermione woke up saying "Ew, Ron back off, I told you I don't want to date you until you figure out the meaning of deodorant!" Ron hissed at the word. "You still smell, so we are not an item!"

"It's cool Hermione, I don't swing that way anyway. No, wait. Yes. No. Yes, I do swing that way. Never mind, I'll stop talking now.

"Good idea," said Hermione. "Hey, I thought Ginny was feeling better. Harry, did you tell her she couldn't take fruit punch baths anymore?"

"That was Tonks!"

"Well, where did you think she got the idea from?" Hermione rolled her eyes "Boys!"

"Well, I'm going to ignore that specific piece of disturbing information about my ex. So Hermione, while Ginny's having a relapse and Ron's deciding whether or not he's coming out of the closet, what's this Horcrux you've discovered?"

"Well, You know how we thought Hagrid was the horcrux?"

"Yeah, we killed him yesterday."

"Well, it turns out it wasn't Hagrid, but it is a member of his family. The last horcrux is Fang!"

"Um, sorry, I know I'm not supposed to talk" said Ron. "But is Fang related to Hagrid, because I know his family is screwed up, but that's just weird."

"Well," said Hermione, "it turns out that after Hagrid's mum swung that way with his dad, she swung that way with a dog. Ew, I just realized how screwed up his family really is! But that's besides the point. We must go get Dobby's gun, make sure it's not empty this time, and slay the treacherous beast!"

"Hermione," said Harry, carefully. "Umm, are you sure you haven't been maybe dipping into Grovvy New Dumbledore's drugs or something?"

"Who's Groovy New Dumbledore?"

"Well, you know how in the muggle world they got a groovy new Dumbledore after Richard Harris died? Well, I figured we could get a Groovy New Dumbledore here too, except nobody really wanted the job, so we're kind of stuck with…" his voice trailed off as a voice crackled over the groovy new intercom system and Neville began to speak.

"Attention all students! I am your groovy new Dumbledore! I am happy to fill this role as now all of you little toe rags who once made fun of me are now afraid of me. So just remember you insignificant mealworms, I can expel your asses!" pause "you were right that was fun Luna! Now let's make out! Oops! Still on!"

"No Harry, I haven't been getting drugs from Groovy New Dumbledore. I'm stil buying mine from McGonigal."

Lupin rushed into the room. "Did some one say McGoni- I mean Tonks?"

"Come on Lupin," Harry said rolling his eyes. "We all know you're in love with McGonigal. Oh by the way, she said, and I quote: Stop following me man, you're freaking out the first years again man."

"Wha-what are y-you t-t-t-alking about Harry? I-I-I don't l-lo-love her!" eye twitch. "I'm in a committed relationship with Tonks!" eye twitch. "I love Tonks!" really big eye twitch accompanied by a hissing of Tonks' name.

"Oh give it up!" Hermione rolled her eyes. "No one cares that you're into old ladies. Just be true to yourself. Don't let those haters bring you down!"

Just then an announcement came over the loudspeaker. "Actually, I care very deeply that you're into old ladies! Yeah, I know you swung that way with my grandmother you lycanthropic freak!"

"I care to!" yelled Tonks who was pregnant by the way. Don't ask how, since she wasn't one chapter ago, it's magic! "What about our baby! I don't want to be a single mother!"

"Hey!" exclaimed J.K. Rowling, almighty ruler of all things Harry Potter. "Do not dis single mothers! I still have one book left and if you make one more snide comment, I am going to have Bellatrix finish you off!"

Anyway… "Wait you never told me about a baby!" exclaimed Lupin.

"Um, yeah I did, about eight months ago?"

"Oh, must've been high then." He shrugged dismissively.

"Lupin, you're always high." Interjected Ron. "But I guess that's why you didn't notice tha bulge…"

Lupin giggled. "I thought she was just fat!"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter three: Harry Potter and the Green Flame Torch OR The Soap Opera From Hell

"No, Lupin darling" she then mutters under her breath "(you idiot) I just told you not but two seconds ago that I'm pregnant, expecting, bottom line, you knocked me up you bafoon!"

"Hey!" yelled Lupin. "Watch who you're calling a baboon! I don't need to take this abuse! Where's McGonigal? Minerva my love! Where are you?"

Just then, Tonks let out a loud scream. " Oh my, GOD! I'm in labor! Lupin you cheater, get over here and deliver you're it! Or else, as soon as this thing is outta me, I'll use Avada Kedavra on you! And don't think I won't, because I will! "

"Baby, I may be a cheater, I may be a druggie, but I do not want to die. I love ya babe." He went over and kissed Tonks on the mouth. The girls in the room, well Hermione and Ron, awwed.

Tonks slapped him.

"Stop kissing me, and deliver this baby! " Tonks said.

"Okay, okay, but what do I do first?"

"Oh God! Do any of you know how to deliver a baby?" Tonks screamed at the Gryffindors. Just then, groovy new Dumbledore burst in yelling

"Oh, Oh, I do! Tonks, pick me to do it!"

Everyone stared at Groovy New Dumbledore

"Neville, Umm, I mean, Groovy New Dumbledore" said Hermione. "How the hell (pardon my French) do you know how to deliver a baby?"

"Ha! Hermione, that's not French! This is French." Ron scooped up Hermione and kissed her. Tonks slapped him.

"Hello? IN LABOR HERE!"

"Should I be worried that I find the fact that Groovy New Dumbledore can deliver a baby incredibly sexy and alluring?" said Ginny.

"Ginny!" Harry cried. "You're supposed to be crazy! And you're supposed to LOVE me! Oh, god? Why is the world being so cruel to me? Why must my love be crazy...and think Groovy New Dumbledore is sexy! Why! Why! It's Neville for Christ sake!"

"What?" yelled Ginny. "So I either have to love you or I'm crazy? You bitch!" slap "Besides, Neville has a very tight ass. And, he's in charge, which is very hot. Come on Groovy New Dumbledore! Let's go make out in your office!"

"Nooooo!" Harry cried. Meanwhile, Ron was still kissing Hermione. "Ok, Ron. I guess I could go out with you now. The stink has subsided and now Ginny is no longer crazy, or at least has someone else to take care of her." -In the background-"Nooo Ginny! Why? Why are you leaving me? I LOVE you!" -sob, sob, sob-

"Whoa! Hermione!" shouted Ron, backing away quickly. "I DEFINITLY do NOT swing THAT way! And I'm sure this time! No! Wait. Damn! I did it again!"

"Oh God, Ron," Hermione said, "Would you seriously just MAKE UP YOUR MIND? Feelings are hanging in the balance right here! Not to mention Horcruxes. I think I love you Ron! I've been trying to swing that way with you since book one, but now in book six you swung that way with that SLUT Lavender! Just tell me, are you in or out of the closet?"

"Duh Hermione." laughed Ron. "I am totally IN the closet!"

"Wait," said Harry, "So you're gay, but you just haven't told anyone?"

"Oh, Harry, don't be silly," Ron said. "I am in the closet see? Look I'm standing in the broom closet, under the light bulb. I'm not Gay. Geez, get a clue!"

"Ron!" yelled Hermione "Are you gay or not? Because honestly the signs are kind of pointing to yes. Like the Backstreet boys shirt you were wearing the other day? And the way you keep staring at Harry in transfiguration? But I need to know, because McLaggen asked me out again, and though he's an idiot, he has very nice... umm... assets."

"Well Hermione, I really LIKE the Backstreet Boys, plus this is the only shirt my mom could afford. And I do think Harry is quite cute, but I think you are to. So I guess I'm bisexual."

"Whaaa?" Harry asked. " You think I'm cute? Then wa-wa-why doesn't your sister?" Harry sobbed.

"Damn it!" yelled Tonks. "Can we PLEASE get back to the metamorphmagus in labor right now? Because Neville just ran off with Ginny and Luna in some weird dorky teenager threesome, and I could really use a hand!"

"Oh, Sorry Darling," Lupin said, "lets deliver that baby!" After a minute or so of screaming, Lupin and Tonks had a little crying mucusy...BOY! "So," said Tonks "What do you think we should name him?"

"Oh, Oh," Neville came on over the PA system "Name his Groovy New New Dumbledore!"

"No name him Ron!" Cried Harry!

"No name him Harry!" Cried Ron!

"Name his Victor!" Cried Hermione!

"Hermione," Ron said, "We thought you were over him!"

Hermione began to sob. "Oh Ron!" she buried her face in Ron's shirt. "It's terrible! My parents have forced me into an arranged marriage with Victor! Which isn't so bad, considering he's a sexy Bulgarian quiditch player with a furry beaver hat, but still it's the principle of the thing! Plus, how the hell do my parents even know him? They aren't even wizards!"

" Uh, it's okay Hermione," Ron said, patting her shoulder. "I'm not quite sure how your parents know him, but I think I do have a plan on how you won't have to marry him..."

"You do?"

"Yes. You can marry me instead. I realize that I love you more than Harry."

"Oh Thank you Ron! I love you to! When do you want to get married?"

"Next Tuesday good?"

"Perfect!"

"Can I be best man?" asked Neville/Groovy New Dumbledore

"Hell no! That's Harry's job!"

"Yeah! And Ginny can be bridesmaid!"

"Hello! What is with everyone and not paying attention to me! I need a name for this baby now!" yelled Tonks.

"Ha!" said McGonigal, "looks like it's somebody's time of month!"

Everyone just stared at her.

"God McGonigal, how high are you?" Asked Ron. "She just had a baby, how could it be her time of month?"

"WaHoooo! PretyHigh! AmISlurinWorzYet?"

Lupin mouthed 'I still love you!' at McGonigal. Tonks punched him. The baby bit him. "Ew!" he shrieked, girly, "What kind of demon spawn have we created?" and it did indeed look like demon spawn.

"Oh. My. God." Said Hermione. "That. Baby. Is. Growing. In. Your. Arms. It is a demon Spawn! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! What do we do?" Hermione screamed as she ran around the common room, trying to escape the overly large baby/demon.

"Mwahaha!" spoketh the baby from the very depthes of Helle, "Thou art now servants of the great and powerful Tricoulom! Bow puny humans! Bow before your master!"

"Hey!" Cried Harry. "He's got the Green Flame Torch. Is that the final Horcrux Hermione?"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH, Oh sorry Harry. Uh yea, it is."

"WAIT ONE MINUTE!" shouted Ron. "WHAT THE HELL! I thought FANG was the last horcrux!"

"Oh yea" Hermione said. "The big devil spawn thing just had me distracted. Fang is the final Horcrux. Hurry Ron, my darling, while the demon is fascinated with picking his nose, go find dobby, steal his gun, make sure there are bullets in it this time and go shoot fang."

"Wait, haven't we been through this before?"

"Yes, but the demon wasn't fascinated with picking his nose before, so in a way it's differ...oh just go do it!

"Ok."

"Mwahaha!" yelled the demon, scooping up Ron and biting his hands off. "Thought I wouldn't see that didn't ya?"

"Oh no!" cried Ron "We can't get married! I've got no where to put the ring now!"

"You're just afraid of commitment, aren't you?" pouted Hermione

"Well, yeah, that too."

Just then, Harry used the same spell as Voldemor..."Hey writer," cried Ron. Yea? "We don't speak his name," Oh right sorry, anyway Just then Harry used the same spell as he who must not be named used in book four to fix Petigrew's hand. Ron now has hands made of silvery titanium.

"Hey Hermione, we can get married now! I have hands and I've overcome my fear of commitment.

"Yea" said Harry, "and those hands are indestructible.

"Harry, quit bragging about your spell, everyone knows you can conjure a patronus, you went on about that one for weeks, just let this one go..."

"Ohhh:( "

"Wow!" exclaimed Ginny. "Those hands are really sexy!"

"WHAT?" yelled Harry "Why don't you love me!"

"Hey, I didn't say I loved Ron, I said his hands were sexy. And technically they're your hands, since you made them. But it doesn't matter. I'm with Neville now."

"Wahahahah!" Harry cried-sob. Sob. Sob- "Can't you give one reason why you like Neville over me?"

"Duh" snorted Ginny "Because he is sexy, groovy, and new!"

Neville laughed. "As soon as you die Harry, I'm taking your job and becoming Groovy New Harry Potter!"

"Umm, does anyone else find that vaguely stalkerish?" asked Harry, backing into a corner

"Uh, I do" said the demon spawn. "And I don't even know you people."

"Harry!" exclaimed Lupin. "Don't you see? This demon is clearly the guardian of the green flame torch! The cousin of the lady of the lake and brother of the great Pocket Protector, as well as My cousin's sister's mother's uncle's son's baby mama's best friends father!"

"Wait, seriously, you're related to that thing?"

"Well, yes. Remember Harry, my mother was pureblood. That means that basically, I'm related to everyone. We're all just this great mass of repeating DNA! Hell, harry, I'm pretty sure we're half cousins."

"How the hell is that possible? I mean, if we're half cousins, that must mean that… no, wait, that's twice removed… we would have to be… god I'm confused!"

"Anyway, as I was saying, I'm also Fang's brother as it turns out."

"what?" exclaimed Hermione. "That must mean…"

"He's the last Horcrux, or rather, that baby is!"


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Hello again everyone! It's Emsiok! Fourth chapter, as I'm sure you can tell unless you are incredibly slow, is now up. This is cowritten by Ace-Not-Mary and myself. Special guest star: Dr. Phil! And Pickles returns! Also, we discuss Hermione's sordid background and she gets married!So read on, and leave us a review because, well, we just like them. So, yeah, go read!

* * *

Chapter Four The return of the sexy Bulgarian quiditch player and his fury beaver hat.

"You can not kill him!" yelled a man dressed all in black. He spoke with a heavy accent. "For he is my dearest long lost brother, put under a curse by the lady of the lake's evil half sister's clone, when he spurned her to join the Bulgarian national quiditch team and fell in love with a girl named Hermione Granger!"

"Gasp!" yelled Hermione. "You mean, it's Victor? He's come to marry me, but I want to marry Ron! Ron, save me! Save me from the sexy Bulgarian quiditch player with the furry beaver hat!" Hermione yelled again as she ran behind Ron.

"No Hermione!" said Tricoulum/baby/victor, "Don't you see? We were meant to be together! It became obvious to me when your parents set up an arranged marriage for us! Hell they aren't even wizards! If that's not fate, I don't know what is!" (A/N: WE will not question why Victor has no accent. He just doesn't. And if you don't like it, use your imaginations! God, your Harry Potter fans! You're supposed to be good at that sort of stuff! Don't blame us, the poor authors for your own incapacity to imagine!)

"But Victor." Hermione wined, "why can't you just get it through your mind that I don't love you!"

"Bu-but, what about fat..."

"I don't give a damn about Fate! Stop with the "but what about fate." she said while mimicking him. "I only love Ron!"

"You shall marry me!" Victor/Tricoulum/baby said. And with that he grabbed Hermione and they both disappeared with a poof.

"NOOO!" Ron and Harry screamed at the same time.

"Harry," Ron said, "Why are you screaming! She's _my_ potential girlfriend!"

"I didn't wanna feel left out when you screamed." Harry said in a sad tone.

But everyone had forgotten the strange boy in the corner who had started this whole thing, the half-brother of Tricoulum/Victor/Baby/Hermione snatcher. But they all turned towards him as he began to weep.

"What is the matter?" asked Harry

The poor boy looked sadly at him. "Oh Harry! I'm afraid without those two, I will never be returned to my true form. You see, I am Pickles, the puppy with liver problems. But I am actually the Prince Ectoslavinkia. My wretched half brother put a curse on me with the assistance of his evil Bulgarian father, Victor Krum Sr. They turned me into a dog and sent me to live in a parallel universe where there is no magic and hobos run rampant. By night, I return to my own shape, but by day, I am a fat terrier. But there was only one way to break this curse. I must return to my home universe and find Victor and my true love who must then umm..."

"Hey uh, uh, you, Pickles, thing, what's Ecto-Ecktoslavin-slavinikia?" Ron asked.

"Ron!" Harry said as he slapped Ron. "That really doesn't matter right now, now does it? We gotta get this Pickles thing wherever it has to go and do whatever it has to do. Then we have to find Hermione so **_you _**can marry her and not Victor!"

"No!" exclaimed Pickles the prince of Ectoslavinkia, "Hermione must wed me! I knew from the first time I saw her, she was my true love!"

"What the hell!" yelled Ron, "Why is everyone trying to get Hermione?"

"Duh," said Ginny, who had returned with Neville and Luna after their dorky teenage threesome. "It's because everyone knows she's easy. I mean, come on, she's such a slut. Anybody who's slept with Hermione, raise your hand." Harry, Lupin, and Neville's hands all shot up.

"Lupin! You bastard! I just gave birth to your... uh, thing, and now I find out you're in love with McGonigal AND you slept with Granger! You are such a perv. It's older or younger hun, you gotta pick one or the other!"

"Hey, in my defense, first, I know I'm a perv, second, we was really really drunk, and I mean, it was years ago, before I'd really even met you! I mean, it was when I first started teaching and I was nervous and Hermione was so nice, and she gave me chocolate! And a whole lot of butter beer. And I mean a whole lot!"

"Years ago!" Tonks screamed. "The girl is only 16! What? Did ya sleep with her when she was 12?"

"What's with the chocolate obsession man?" McGonigal finally said, after standing there awkwardly for the last 20 minutes, saying nothing.

"Okay, first, she's seventeen, and she was thirteen or fourteen then! Secondly, McGonigal, chocolate started out as a way to keep the dementors from getting me. Then, I became addicted to the caffeine. It turns out that caffeine is one of those 'gateway drugs' they're always telling you about in health class..."

"Oh! Would you all just shut up!" Ron screamed. "I finally decide I wanna be with Hermione for good and now everybody else wants her. I don't really care about her past "easiness" or whatever the bloody hell you want to call it. We have to go find her and stop her wedding to Victor!"

"Wow Ron," said Harry, "Suddenly, I find you strangely attractive. Should I be worried?"

"Hermione and me are going to be the weirdest couple ever! Between the two of us, we'll have slept with every guy in the castle," said Ron.

"Uh, Ron." Neville said, "I thought we werent gonna tallk about that drunken night."

"Umm, Neville," said Ron, confused, "Their never was a drunken night. I was just reffering to the fact Harry finds me sexy."

"Oh then who was that person last year? I swear they looked just like you!"

Tonks smiled.

"Tonks!" Lupin said, pulling her out if her thoughts. "Why do you have a dopey grin on your face... wait a minute.. you mean.. that one night last year when you came home late?" he tried to say. "You said you were at your bridge game! You slept with Neville?" he screamed.

"Well, well, well." Ron said, "looks like you're not the only one into students. or teachers for that matter."

"It's not my fault!" Tonks said. "Do you know how unsupportive you are Lupin? Every night, you're high, and you keep going on about McGonigal! She's twice your age! Is it any wonder that I turned to seduce young children while drunk? And really, I'm only like twenty-five! I'm not that old!"

"It seems we have a problem here," said a man in a business suit with a moustache, T. V. crew and drawling southern accent.

"Oh my God!" shouted Ron, "It's Dr. Phil!"

"Dr. Phil?" Harry questioned. "Who the hell is he?"

"Oh God Harry," Ron said. "He's only the BEST self help talk show host around!" Ron said, while taking off his "R" sweater, revealing a t-shirt with Dr. Phil's piture on it."

"Will you sign my chest?" Ron asked, excitedly, as he ran over to Dr. Phil and tried to leap into his arms.

Several hours later, Dr. Phil had sorted out all their emotional problems. "Now remember Ron, if you want that relationship to work, you're either going to have to take Hermione or guys, you can't have both. And Remus, I think that rehab center will help a lot. Don't forget Tonks, you have to support him through this tough time. McGonigal, I know you're upset about your secret lover, Albus', death, but you need to work through that and stop turning to drugs. Neville, Luna, I think you two could be really happy if you settled down. Harry, Ginny," long pause, "Oh who am I kidding? Your relationship is screwed! Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" and he jumped up the chimney.

Long awkward silence. Then Harry broke it. "What a load of crap!"

"Hey." Ron said standing up, "That was NOT a load of crap Harry!" Ron practically screamed. "That is a brilliant man! Now, he's right about me and Hermione. Come on, we gotta go find her so I can marry her instead. Maybe Victor took her to one of those corny chapels in Vegas where the minister is dressed like Elvis."

"Hey!" Tonks and Lupin said at the same time. "WE go married at one of those." Tonks said.

"Yea, and you were drunk the whole time." Harry said.

"Wait a minute, did Dr. Phil say McGonigal secret lover was Albus?" Lupin asked, turning a bit pale.

"Yeah," said Harry, "But we all established everything he said was a load of crap!"

"Was not!" shouted Ron

"Was too!" screamed Harry

"Was not!"

"Was TOO!"

"WAS NOT!"

"Yeah, well I'm the chosen one, so what I say goes Mr. Meany-Pants!" Harry stuck out his tongue.

"Two year olds." muttered Ginny under her breath.

"We are NOT two year olds Ginny!" shouted Harry.

"Are too"

"Are Not"

"Are too"

"Are not"

"Too!"

Not"

"Too.."

"Oh Shut Up!" Screamed Hermione, who had suddenly returned in a poof of smoke, the same way she had disappeared earlier.

"Hermione!" Ron screamed. "You're in a wedding dress!"

"Yeah, about that..." Hermione said, "I kind of accidentally sort of married Victor a little bit?"


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Okay, we're back! Not much to say about this chapter. Next chapter, the Ultimate Mary Sue,coming up very soon. Also, I(emsiok) am working on a spin off of the next chapter which involves the Mary Sues, because I just like them so much, so check that out in the next week or so. Okay, go read.

* * *

Chapter Five

Re-Return of the Sexy Bulgarian Quiditch Player with the Furry Beaver Hat and his Bride, who is Hermione

"Hermione!" Ron screamed. "How could you? I was actually gonna marry you this time, and not because you're easy, but because I love you!"

"I'm sorry Ron, he drugged my butterbeer and I just snapped out of it like 5 minutes ago. Don't worry, I'm gonna get an annulment. I think... I hope..." she said, kinda nervously.

"All right," screeched Pickles the prince of... that one place... "Let's focus on me for, like, two seconds, okay? I'm the one under the curse! I am the ultimate source of good in my country! This needs to be fixed n-" and he began to shrink to dog size.

"Oh, I'll fix you all right if you don't lay off my girlfriend!" snapped Ron.

"I need to find a judge!" said Hermione.

"I need to find a ring!" shouted Ron

"I need to find my sanity," shrieked Ginny

"I need to find the drugs!" yelled Neville.

"I need to find a crumple horned snorcack!" cried Luna.

"I need to find Albus!" sobbed McGonigal

"I need to find my real baby!" sighed Tonks.

"I need to find a rehab center," said Lupin

"I need to find the GOD DAMNED HORCRUX!" exploded Harry.

"Hey!" screamed Draco Malfoy, who found this a wonderful time to barge in. "Haven't you people ever heard of, closing a God Damned Door, no?" (A/N: We do not own "I Write Sins Not Tragedies" by Panic! At The Disco, however I, the co-writer of this story who is not emsiok, but is Ace-not-Mary, loves them!)

Everyone looked at him crazily, and them shut the door in his face.

"Stay out of this conversation Draco!" Harry screamed at him through the door.

"I chimed in, haven't you people ever heard of, closing a God damned door, no? It's much better to face these kinds of things, with sense of poise and rationality..." Neville started to sing.

"Neville, will you stop the singing," Ron said. "That's a great song, but we have bigger fish to fry. Or, should I say dogs..." Ron said as an evil smirk appeared on his face. "Lets fry the dog! That will keep him away from my girlfriend!"

Pickles looked sad.

"Umm," Hermione said, "Before we kill him, shouldn't we at least see what he wants first?"

"We know what he wants!" Ron said. "He told us that he needs his true love's kiss to break the spell!"

"Actually he never said kiss, he said 'I need my true love to, blank.'" Harry chimed in.

"Then what does he need?" Hermione asked. And, because this author (emsiok, btw) does not want to have to write dialog for the whole twelve hours in which Pickles was a dog, decree that the sat around and thought/got high, until the little puppy became human once more.

"You, Hermione, my true love, must guess my name!"

"Really, that's it?" asked Ron. Pickles nodded. "Well, Hermione, get guessing. The sooner you know his name, the sooner _**we **_can get married!"

"Ok, lets see," thought Hermione. "How about Stuart..."

"Hermione..." Ron wined, "That's such an ordinary name!" He said while stomping his feet like a child, "Can't you think of something more weird, like Pockets? Oh, oh, or Mustard!" Ron shouted, coming oddly close to his actual food related name.

"Ronald! I love you, but please, leave the guessing to me!"

"Yes dear," Ron answered, as he somewhat slunk away to the corner.

"Ok, now then, **_is_**it Stuart?" she asked.

"Nope!" said Pickles. "Oh, I forgot to tell you the rest of the rules. You have to guess my name. If you do, I'll be freed, and my evil half brother will burn in hell for all eternity. But, if you can't, then the curse will never be broken, you'll have to marry Victor and bear his evil devil spawn who will one day become Voldemort's all-powerful apprentice, and I'll have to kill your boyfriend. And, oh yeah, you get three guesses."

"WHAT?" shrieked Ron. "That's totally unfair! She'll never agree to that! I mean-"

"Done!" Hermione said, shaking Pickles hand. "SO I've got three guesses."

"Well, actually your down to two."

"Not fair! You hadn't told me the rules then!"

"Doesn't matter. I don't make the rules, I just are forced to follow them by magical laws in a hilarious fairy tale like fashion!"

"Hermione!" Ron shouted, "How can you do this?"

"Ron, darling, I'm doing this for us!"

"How is this for us?" he asked.

"Ron, Ron, Ron... Once I guess his name, he will leave us alone, and we can get married...after I get an annulment from Victor."

"Damn Bulgarian quiditch player..." Ron said.

"So, my next guess is..."

"Ooh, ooh! Hermione!" shouted Neville, hand in the air, "can I guess next?"

"Yeah sure Neville." Ron's jaw dropped open.

"I guess... Rumpelstiltskin!"

"What the HELL?" shouted Ron. "Neville, that's not even a name! Hermione, don't guess-"

"Is it Rumpelstiltskin?" Hermione said, excitedly.

Ron looked appalled.

"Hermione, how could you make such an idiotic guess!" Ron screamed.

"Ronald, shut up. Is it Rumpelstiltskin?" she asked, still excited.

"Ehm... no." said Pickles.

"Damn." Hermione said." Okay, my final guess is...hmm... how about... Pickles!" she shouted.

"Hermione.. that's even more idioti-" Ron started.

"You're right!" Pickles screamed.

"Huh?" said Ron.

"Oh, oh, what do I win!" Hermione asked excitedly

Suddenly, a voice from nowhere began speaking. "You win... A new CAR!"

Hermione punched her fists into the air and hopped into the convertible, pulling Ron in afterwards as they sped off into the night with Pickles chasing them. Don't ask how they got the car out of the dorm room. It's magic!

"Hey, wasn't that the voice from that announcer guy from 'The Price Is Right?'" Neville asked.

"Neville, what is it with you and the pop culture references?" Harry asked. "I mean first singing a Panic! At The Disco song, and now this?"

"Harry," said Ginny, who has been quiet for too long, "I think we have more important things to worry about, like horcruxes, then Neville. Even though he is sexy."

Harry shook his fist at the sky, "Why do you hate me? Damn you! Damn you all to HELL!"

"It'll be okay," said Lupin, placing a hand on Harry's shoulder.

"Get your paws off me, you damn dirty ape!" Harry yelled in a Charlton Heston voice.

"Oh my God!" yelled Ginny, "The spirit of the dude who played Moses is possessing my ex!"

Just then the floor beneath them broke and they all began to fall.

"Oomph.." Harry said, once they all landed. "Where are we?"

"I think we're in hell." Ron said, somewhat stating the obvious.

Harry rose his fist in the air again. "I ask again... Why do you hate me? I said to damn **_them_** all to hell!... not Me." he said with a now sad expression on his face.

"Hey, Ron?" said Ginny, dusting herself off, "How'd you, Hermione, and Pickles get back here? You were driving off..."

"Don't ask questions, it's magic!"

"You fools!" said Tricoulum/baby/victor/Hermione's snatcher/Hermione's husband. "Now you are in MY realm!"

"NOO!" screamed Ron, as he had a momentary mental breakdown.

"Ron get off your ass!" Hermione said.

"Yes dear," Ron said for the second time as he slunk off into a corner again.

"Now, what do you want?" said Tricoulum/baby/victor/Hermione's snatcher/Hermione's husband.

"Well," Ginny said, pulling some parchment out of her pocket, "As long as we're here, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is trying to raise funds for the trip to Japan next year, so we're selling popcorn. Would you like to buy some Mr. Ummm... whatever?"

"Why, yes, yes I would said the uhm...thing.(A/N: Ace is too tired to write out the entire name of this weird victor like thing)

"Great, we offer caramel, butter, extra butter..." Ginny began

"Ginny! We have to find a way home. There's no time for selling popcorn!" Ron shouted


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Okay, so this chapter is eleven pages long. Longest chapter yet. And it's all about Mary Sues! Special guest: the authors! If you like the Mary Sues, I (emsiok) am doing a spinoff about them coming up in the next week or so. And in case your wondering, we do actually have names, powers and looks for all twenty-six Mary Sues. We have no life. But please R&R!

* * *

Chapter Six: The Ultimate Mary Sue

"Wait!" said a female voice from the shadows, "I think I can help you."

A girl stepped out. She was incredibly skinny. She had jet-black hair, falling in glowing sheaths, so smooth; it had a blue sheen to it. Her eyes were a sparkling green. She had exactly seven freckles placed delicately across her nose. She carried a bright yellow cat with green eyes equaling her own. Her tan was perfect, and her clothes were the latest from the hottest wizarding store around.

"I am Princess Adriel. I am this demon's step sister."

"Oh My God!" screamed Ginny. "Quick! Hermione, Tonks, get the boys back! It's a Mary Sue! She's come to steal our men!"

"Ohhh, pretty girl..."Neville began to drool.

"Neville!" Luna screamed. "Didn't you listen to Dr. Phil? He said we could be happy if we just settled down." She said as she began to quibble. (Haha, ironically funny!)

"Oh Luna, I was just saying she was pretty. We could have another dorky teenage threesome if you want," he said.

"Hello," said Princess Adriel. "May I welcome you to the land of Ectoslavinkia! You see, after my dear stepbrother here took over, and turned my half-brother, the good Prince Pickles into a dog, he turned the land into a waste, searching for a bride. He turned down my twenty-five friends and me. You see, I started a school here a few years ago where the people who are more powerful then those at Hogwarts can train their powers. We are all incredibly beautiful and talented and all have names that begin with different letters of the alphabet!"

"What is this school called?" asked Harry, gazing in adoration at the Princess.

"Sue University, or SueU. Now, my stepbrother has been defeated. My half-brother must continue on his quest to rid the world off evil. And hobos. I must stay here to protect my city. But, I need help from one man to keep this place safe from Voldemort. So, I guess what I'm asking is, would you boys like to play a little game? It's an Ectoslavinkian tradition for the Princess to pick her husband through a game we call the Dating Game!"

Suddenly, a man in a tux appeared, as well as twenty-five beautiful Mary Sues in the making.

An announcer spoke, "It's time for..."

"The Dating Game!" everyone yelled. The four boys (well, the three boys and Lupin) sat in a group of chairs separated from the princess by a screen.

"First," said the host, "let's learn a little about our dater. It's Princess Adriel! The Princess has been running a school for Mary Sues since she was twelve! Her Grandparents include: Albus Dumbledore, Minerva McGonigal, Voldemort, and random chick Voldemort picked up in a bar one drunken night! She describes herself as a mix between good and evil! Her hobbies include, teaching, vanquishing evil, sometimes vanquishing good, and keeping peace between her two partial brothers! I can't stop using sentences ending in exclamation marks! She loves to cook, and think Hermione is ugly!"

"Hey!" said Hermione.

"She's looking for a guy who wants to fight her opponents with her and is easily manipulated into to doing things he shouldn't! She's Harry's cousin! Doesn't that make this incest? Who cares! Purebloods are all interrelated anyway! Her best friend is Harva Potter, Harry's long lost sister!"

"I have a long lost sister?"

"Of course! Sirius is her uncle, but not yours Harry! But back to Adriel! Ginny is her clone! Do they look alike? Of course not! Nothing else in this story makes sense! Why should this! So, let's meet contestant number one!"

"Hi uhm, I'm Harry, and right now I'm very weirded out by the fact that I have a long lost sister. I am also a little freaked about this incest thing, and I just wanna go home!" Harry said, beginning to cry like a two year old.

"Awww," sighed all the Mary Sues.

"I love a guy who isn't afraid to cry!" said a girl dressed in all pink.

"I love a guy who cries!" said a girl in black with pointed fangs.

"Okay, next!"

"Hi, umm, I'm Ron. I have lots of brothers and one sister, who is apparently a clone. Ummm, I'm in a committed relationship, and don't really want to be here either... but then again, you girls are really hot, so what the heck!"

The Mary Sues all sighed. "Awww, he's so cute! I want to marry him, so Harry and him can be related!" said a girl in blue with a giggle.

"You must be Harva." said Ginny, annoyed.

"Wow, you're funny!" said a girl in orange.

Everyone looked at her.

"Who's funny?" asked Hermione.

"Not you ugly!" The princess shouted.

"Why you! You just want my man!" Hermione shrieked.

Just then Hermione lunged at the princess of that weird place.

"Girl Fight!" all the guys screamed.

"Adriel!" shrieked Harva, "You can't fight with that girl! It's totally against the rules! And we are perfect, so we must follow the rules. Unless of course, breaking them will lead to achieving our own goals. She's totally not worth that!"

"You're right Harva." Adriel sighed. "Okay, so I believe I have two guys left!"

"That's right!" said the host "Guy number three! Tell us about yourself!"

"Okay, well, my names Neville and I was almost the chosen one, but then I just became this little herbology nerd. Then I became headmaster of the school!"

"And guy number four!"

"Umm, my names Remus, and I'm kindda married, so unless you can fix that, or you offer me chocolate, then I don't think this relationship will work."

"Okay, you've heard from the men, so Princess Adriel, who will you pick?"

"I pick..." she began

" I pick, contestant three!" Neville's jaw dropped open.

"Okay, now everyone knows the rules!" said the host. "If Neville wants to marry Adriel, and, who are we kidding, of course he will! He can walk over now and give her a kiss! But before you decide Neville, here are a few words from some friends to help you make your decision!" Neville looked around to see that all his friends had disappeared. Suddenly a big screen T.V. dropped down. Live video feed of the others began to play.

"Umm, really, I don't care." said Ginny on the T.V. Harry, Ron, Lupin, and Tonks all nodded their agreement.

"No!" shouted Hermione "If you marry that bitch, I will put such a curse on you! Actually not so much a curse as a little spell I like to call Avada Kedavra!"

"Hey, where's Luna?" Neville said.

"Well, we all know how attached you are to Miss Lovegood, so we put her in a 'special' room to talk to you!" the camera turned to Luna hanging over a pit of boiling oatmeal. And not the good kind, the nasty off brand stuff.

"Okay, I'll do it!" Neville said, running over to kiss the Princess.

While this was happening, Luna could secretly see it all.

"Neville!" Luna screeched. "What are you doing! I thought you loved me! Save me!" she screamed.

"Luna, you were just a part of the dorky teenage threesome." Ginny said, becoming highly insensitive. "Just like I was..." she said, beginning to break out in tears.

Just then, Harry's fist was shoot into the air for the third time. "Why God? Why? How could you do this? We had a deal!" Harry said, quoting Joey Tribiani in 'The One Where They All Turn Thirty' (A/N: We do not own _Friends_ but we both LOVE it very much!) "Why does Ginny still love Neville, and not me, even after I slipped her that love potion?"

"Wait, you slipped me what?" Ginny asked, now confused

"Uh, uh," Harry stammered, searching for words, "quiet Ginny! Adults are talking here!

"Hey! I'm an adult!"

"Your fifteen, almost sixteen." said Hermione. "That makes what you, Neville, and Luna were doing illegal!"

"Umm, Hermione, is that the rule in England?" said Ron.

"Who cares?" said Hermione. "The authors American, she doesn't know what she's talking about, and she has never even been outside the states! Just humor the little idiot? K Ron?

Suddenly, Hermione was hit by a bus and died.

"Oh my god Hermione!" run screeched.

"Don't worry," Harry said. "This can be fixed. Now, does anyone know the spell that J.K. Rowling came up with to bring back the dead?" he asked.

"Harry, aren't you supposed to know that? I mean you are the only one of us that is actually good at Defense against the Dark Arts. You can conjure the patronus and send the dementors away." Neville said after he finished making out with the princess.

"Did someone say dementors?" Lupin asked. "I'll get the chocolate!" He said excitedly and then he ran off towards the nearest Food Mart to buy some chocolate, because it's his obsession, but we've obviously established that already, but whatever.

"I am pretty good at the patronus aren't I? Harry said, a bit full of himself."

"Hey, is anyone gonna help me?" Hermione said.

"Hermione, you're not really dead!" Ron shrieked with excitement.

"No, Ronald, but don't ask how I'm not dead, I know I got hit by a bus. It's magic!" Hermione said.

"No!" screeched the blonde driving the bus.

"Come on Emsiok!" yelled the redhead in shotgun. "Run her over a few more times!"

So they did.

"okay, now she's dead." piped up Ginny.

"Wait!" said Princess Adriel. "We have twenty-six Mary Sues here! Surely one of us could save her!"

"Will you?" cried Ron.

"T'cha! No!" said Adriel. "She's ugly. And annoying."

"Wow, you Mary Sues are really bitchy!" said Neville.

"Hey, I'm running a school here! I'm allowed to be bitchy!"

"Yea, well I'm running a school too here!" said Neville. "Do you see me getting bitchy?" Neville said, becoming a bit bitchy.

"Wait!" said one of the Mary Sues, a girl with white blonde hair, light blue eyes, pale skin, and white robes. "I can heal her!"

"Finola!" shouted Adriel. "Making trouble again!"

"It isn't trouble when someone's life is at stake!" the blonde shouted. "We must save her!"

"Never! She deserves to die!"

"How can you say that when your own sister died of a bus accident just a year ago?" shouted the blonde.

Adriel collapsed on the ground sobbing.

"That's the thing about us Mary Sues," said Harva. "We tend to get just a teensy bit dramatic sometimes."

"Ya think?" Harry muttered under his breath.

"Harry!" Ron screamed as he slapped him. "Shut up and be nice to them. They're gonna fix my only true love Hermione!" he said. "So, what do we do first?"

"You need to do nothing." said Finola. She looked at Hermione. "There, done. It might take her awhile to recover, but that's not my fault."

In the distance they could hear a screeching of bus wheels as the girls in the bus turned around. But two Mary Sues in orange sprang forward and using their minds threw the bus into the air.

"Hey!" yelled the blonde in the bus. "Put us down!"

"Or what?" sneered the girls.

"Well," said the redhead, "since you're all figments of our imaginations, if you kill us, you'll cease to exist!"

"Technically Ace," said the blonde, "This whole thing is a figment of our imagination. We can do whatever we want."

"Yeah, well, we don't make the rules Em. We just have to follow them in a hilarious fairy tale like fashion!"

"Now where have I heard that before?" said Harry.

"So, if you put us down, we'll give you three wishes!" proclaimed the redhead.

"Yes, yes, three wishes." said em.

"Well, we'll have to talk it over..." said one of the Mary Sues.

"Go, go converse.." said Ace. "Hey em," Ace whispered, "Maybe we can sneak out of the bus before they finish discussing."

"Not so fast!" yelled a Mary Sue in a light purple robe. "You aren't going anywhere!"

"Yeah?" said the blonde. "We created you! We know that you're Vallari and your only power is to spread peace!"

"Yeah, well, if you sneak off," said Vallari, "I'll have Zytka here take a whack at you! And you created her, so you should know that she is able to use any weapon. Not that I approve of that."

"Fine, we'll stay where we are." Ace said, sticking her hands up like they're surrendering.

"What do you think of our deal?" Em asked.

"Oh trust me," said Ace with a smile. "We'll be able to screw these idiots over."

"Hey, we're not idiots!" cried one of the Mary Sues.

"of course you aren't" said Emsiok, in a voice one might use with small children and puppies. "Have you decided?"

"Yes, and we'll take the deal."

"Okay, first wish," said Ace, "And can we make this snappy? I've got better things to do."

"We decided how we'll split up the wishes." said Adriel. "Since the Mary Sues are perfect, and there are more of us, we get two wishes. The last one goes to Potter and his friends."

"So what's you're first wish. because seriously, I've got better things to do, like read Gilmore Girls fanfiction! I love the Rogans!" Ace said.

"Wow Ace, we really need lives," said Emsiok. "Anyway, make with the wishing girls."

"You're right em, we do need lives."

"Hey, we're ready to guess!" said one of the Mary sues.

"Well, then on with it!" Ace said.

"Alright," said Adriel. "Our first wish is for my brother pickles to become human again!" she beamed at the other Mary Sues.

"Great, done!" said Emsiok. "In fact, we're so good, we did that last chapter. You just wasted a wish sweetie. Okay, next!"

"Damn, forgot about that, ok, our next wish is for Ginny to be sane again." said her look alike clone Mary sue.

"Well," said Ace, "See we can't actually do that... after the last time, we aren't allowed to mess around with people's greymatter... but we'll give you another wish, if you like."

"Fine." Adriel said through gritted teeth. "We wish for our school to be the best in the world."

"See, can't do that either." said Emsiok. "That would be going against the wishes of Mrs. Rowling, which we aren't allowed to do."

"Umm, isn't that what we're doing now?" whispered Ace, "Just by writing this?"

"Shh! They don't KNOW that!"

"We do now." said one of the Mary Sues.

"Look, we can't do it, okay?" said Emsiok. "It goes against our principles. The very few we have."

"Yea, few..." Ace said.

"Shh.." em said.

"Okay, fine we wish for the two of you to go away!" said one of the Mary Sues.

"Hey!" said Harry, "that's not fair, we haven't got our wish yet!"

"Fine, go ahead!" said a Mary Sue.

"Okay, we wish to go home!" said Harry.

"Umm, what home? Yours? Because you don't have a home." said Emsiok. Harry started to cry.

"Unless you get the ruby slippers sweethearts, I don't think we can send you back to Kansas!" said Ace in a falsely sweet tone.

"Yeah, we definitely wish you would go way." said Ron.

"We want to go back to Hogwarts!" Hermione said, now fully awaken from her previously dead state.

"Yea, and then we want you to leave!" One of the Mary sues said.

"Hey em, I don't think they like us very much." Ace said.

"Yea, they keep pushing us away, it's like they hate us or something..." em said.

"Yea, and we gave them life... well, some of them, because we don't own all of them..." Ace said.

"Yeah, but we made all of them the people they are today!" said Em tearfully. "I mean with out us, Lupin wouldn't be an addict, Tonks wouldn't be married. Ron wouldn't be having an affair with a married woman! And Neville, you wouldn't be groovy and new! And Luna... oh shit! Ace, we left Luna over the pit of boiling oatmeal didn't we?"

"Damn..." Ace muttered. "Em, we lost another good one.." Ace said, now starting to sniffle.

"Moment of silence everyone!" Em paused for just a second. "Okay, anyway. So, here's the new deal. We'll send you back to Hogwarts and leave you all alone. But, first, we have a little dispute and we want you all to solve it for us. You see, Ace here and myself can't decide which of you Mary Sues is the best, so, we want you to decide for us in a little contest."

"Beauty pageant?" chimed a girl in dark blue robes.

"Umm no." said Ace. "We were thinking more along the lines of fight to the death."

"Fight to the death?" A Mary sue said

"Yes, the term refers to a combat in which one or more of the combatants dies." said Emsiok sarcastically.

"Fine, lets do this." Said one of the Mary sues.

"Yesss! We're finally gonna see some fightin' to the death!" Ace said as she highfived Em.

"Yeah I know!" squealed Emsiok. "This should be fun!"

"As long as it doesn't turn out like that last imaginary fight to the death..." Ace said.

"Ah yes... with the wild boar."

"Mmhmm, oh and when Aimee-?"

"Yeah!" they both started laughing. Everyone looked at them.

"Hey, don't look at us funny!" Em said.

"Yea, it just so happens we're brain twins. We pretty much know what the other is thinking." said Ace.

"All right chop chop!" said one of the self-proclaimed brain twins, "let's see some Mary Sues battling to the death!"

As the Mary Sues began to fight, the Hogwarts boys decided to become bigger perverts and yell thing like:

"Yea! Cat Fight! Ron yelled.

"Chick Fight!" Harry yelled.

"Take your top off!" Neville yelled.

Everyone looked at Neville, this was so unexpected coming from him.

Several hours later, the Mary Sues had finished their huge fight of doom. Lupin came running over to the others, "what did I miss?"

"Just the most awesome chick fight EVER!" said Neville.

"Damn!" said Lupin, "I miss all the fun!"

"Wait," said Emsiok, "Who's the winner?"

One Mary Sue crawled out from the undergrowth. Why there was undergrowth in hell, we don't know. Or maybe this is Ectoslavinkia? I've lost track. Any way the last Mary Sue stood up.

"It's the princess, my soon to be wife!" screamed Neville.

"Damn!" said Emsiok, handing Ace a twenty.

"Yesss!" Ace said. "I told you!"

"So, will you all LEAVE?" shouted the Princess.

"Fine!" pouted Emsiok and Ace together. And with a poof they were gone.

"Finally!" said all of the Mary Sues in unison.

"What?" shouted Ginny, "I thought they were dead!"

"Who's dead?" asked Ron.

"The Mary Sues!" said Ginny, "It was a fight to the _death_ after all."

"Oh, yea..." said Ron, replaying the chick fight in his head, and getting a dopey grin on his face.

"Hey! Stop re-living it!" Hermione said as she slapped the back of Ron's head.

"Bu-but, Hermione!" Ron whined.

"Hey, we're going to be married! You have to commit!"

"You want something easy to commit to?" said Harry.

"Yes Harry Potter, I do." said Ron, reading the words off the back of his hand.

"Then try Commit lozenge to help YOU to stop smoking! It helped me, Harry Potter, and it can help you!" He turned to a camera and smiled.

"And after that obvious bit of product placement..." said Lupin.

"Hold on," said Ginny. "Hello Hermione Granger, friend of Harry Potter, the chosen boy who lived, I hear you are getting married!" she said, reading off her arm.

"Yes," said Hermione. "I am marrying Ronald Weasley, friend of Harry Potter, the chosen boy who lived. But he is finding it hard to commit!"

"Well, I have something that it's easy to commit to!" said Ginny "Try the new Weasley diet! And buy my new book, Eating Right, Staying Pretty, written by me, Ginny Weasley, girl who almost married friend of Harry Potter, the chosen boy who lived!"

"Huh!" The princess Mary sue gasped. "Potter's the chosen one?"

"Duh!" Ginny said. "Where the hell have **_you_** been?" she said, kinda sounding like she was shoving something in the princess' face even though she wasn't, except she really kinda was.

"I still don't know why you're not dead!" said Hermione.

"Trying to kill someone?" said Neville. "Buy Kid Who Could Have Been the Chosen One brand Arsenic! In stores today!" Neville smiled at the camera.

"Ahhh..." All the girls in the audience cooed when they saw Neville flash a smile.

"Damn it!" yelled Harry. "Why can't I be like Daniel Radcliffe and worshiped by millions of fan girls? And why can't Neville be like Matthew Lewis and be forced to wear fake crooked teeth?"

"Harry, Daniel Radcliffe is a terrible actor." said Ginny. "He couldn't act to save his life!"

Meanwhile, in the lair of Tricoulum/Victor/Baby/Hermione snatcher/Hermione's husband,

"Dance fool!" said the demon, zapping Daniel Radcliffe's feet with lightning bolts.

"Please! Release me!" cried the unfortunate boy. "I'll give you anything! My first-born son! A signed photo! Anything."

"I will let you go... if you can do a convincing cry scene!"

"Damn! Okay, bring on the lightning!"

Back at wherever the hell our heroes are...

"I wonder where Dan Radcliffe is right now..." said Ace dreamily.

"Hey, I thought we were rid of you!" said Harry. "And why does everyone have to love Dan?" he whined as he began to silently sob.

"Well, you thought wrong!" Em said, suddenly reappearing at Ace's side.

"Yeah, we created you and this story, so we can be in it whenever we want!" Ace said, sounding somewhat like a two year old, even though she is the meany pants and emsiok is the two year old.

"Wait, Ace, didn't we somewhat have this conversation with these people already?"

"Yes!" The all said in unison.

"All right, really, we want to leave you all alone, really we do. But unfortunately, our job as authors means we can't stop writing until you have reached some sort of resolution. So, from time to time, we'll just pop up and offer some sort of cryptic clue so you can find the horcrux, defeat Voldemort, yadda yadda yadda."

"Wait, what's a horcrux, and why do we have to find one?" The princess Mary Sue asked.

"Shut up sweetie and let the people who actually matter talk. Now Harry, you've been chasing the horcrux all over, first thinking it's Hagrid, then Fang, then the demon thing. It's really quiet stupid of you."

"Umm, you're writing this, so isn't it stupid of you?"

"Be quiet little bookworm. Now, we can't tell you what it is, but we can help you. coughit'sinyourwandcoghcough. So your clue is, go find the lady of the lake,

give her a draft of mandrake,

then the Earth will quake."

"That's a really really crappy rhyme." said Ginny.

"Okay, it's eleven at night and I've been up since two. Do NOT start with me!" and with a poof, they were gone.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: All right, seriously, can somebody leave me a review? Anyone at all? Not that the peole who've left reviews already aren't important, but I haven't had a reiew for at least four chapters, besides the one written by my co-author, so really, give me a review here people!

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Chapter seven: Harry Potter and the wrath of the Lady of the Lake

And so, our heroes trekked valiantly towards the EXIT sign that they had missed earlier and headed back to Hogwarts.

"Exit sign, how did we miss that?" asked Neville.

"Oh, I don't know..." said Luna who was suddenly not dead, and not hovering over a giant bowl of the nasty kind of oatmeal. "Maybe we missed it because YOU were too busy drooling over the princess... and not me," she said as she began to quietly sob

"Neville! Come back! Wait for me!" yelled Princess Adriel, rushing to catch up to them, even though they had only walked like, five feet. Harva rushed after her. "Sweetie! Now that we're married, you can't leave me like that!"

"Ok." he said. "Hey! Come live at Hogwarts with us!" he said excitedly as he jumped up and down like a child. All the boys and Lupin looked happy. All the girls looked appalled.

All of a sudden, they arrived at Hogwarts. They walked in and were horrified by the sight that greeted their eyes. The death Eaters had taken over the castle. But that wasn't the worst part. They seemed to have made a makeshift stage on which Snape was dressed in a poofy dress singing whishing you were somehow here again. Meanwhile, backstage, they could see Lucius Malfoy wearing a white mask and Voldemort in riding pants and a white puffy shirt. The audience composed of Hogwarts students and teachers were all crying.

"Oh my god!" shouted Ron. "The Death Eaters are performing phantom of the Opera! And Snape is playing Christine! Oh my God!" Ron said now breaking down in tears. "Neville, as Groovy New Dumbledore, you said that after that drunken night... I could baba-be Christine!" Ron said in between his sobs.

"You slept with a man?" The princess Mary Sue said.

"Yes..." Neville said, preparing himself for a slap in the face.

"Hold on!" said Hermione, "Ron, you said that you never slept with Neville."

"I didn't..." said a second Ron, coming up with a giant Slurpee from the new Quickee Mart in Hogsmeade. "What did I- Oh My God! There doing Phantom of the Opera! I love this musical! Wow, who's the hot Christine?" He sat down in the back row, just slurping away.

"Tonks!" everyone yelled at the first Ron. "Stop pretending to be Ron!"

"I'm sorry!" said Tonks. "I just can't help it! I want the Red hair. (A/N From Ace: Because everyone knows Redheads are the best! lol)

"So, is anyone gonna tell me who that hot Christine is?" Ron asked.

"Uh Ron... that's Snape." Harry said.

"Oh," Ron said, becoming pale. "Okay, that right there was the deciding moment. I don't wanna be bisexual anymore! I strictly like girls... lots and lots of girls..." Ron said, with yet another dopey grin.

"Ron!" Hermione hissed as she slapped the back of his head for the what em? 20th time since we started this story? I've lost count... anyway...

"I mean girl...one girl..." Ron said as he gave Hermione puppy eyes. "I love you..." He said as he tried to cuddle up to her.

"Good boy" she said while patting him on the head like a dog.

"Sirius!" Harry yelled while crying.

"What did I say?" Hermione said.

"Oh, you patted Ron like he was a dog. It made him think of Sirius." Ginny explained. "He used to do that a lot when we made out. Like, whenever Crookshanks walked by."

"Yeah, he did." Ron said, while Tonks nodded. Everyone looked at them.

"Tonks! Really, stop pretending to be me!" Ron said.

"I'm sorry I swear, I just can't help it!" she said rather excitedly, as she broke out if fits of giggles.

"Is she giggling?" Lupin asked. "Or am I extra high right now.

"Both." everyone said.

"Dumbledore!" Harry yelled, still sobbing.

"Okay, who said what to upset him now?"

"Oh no," said Ginny. "He's just going through the reasons his life sucks."

"Fat baby whale sized cousin!" Harry cried.

"It'll be alright Harry." Ginny said.

"(Sniff, sniff) Ginny doesn't love me." Harry cried. "People like Dan Radcliffe more than me..." he cried some more. "Ron's marrying Hermione... Oopps... you weren't supposed to hear that." Harry said.

"What," said a woman "Are you doing here?"

"Oh my God!" shouted Ron, "Bellatrix Lestrange!"

"This is a private viewing to raise funds for Death Eaters." she said. "The public viewing is next Tuesday."

"I have a question," said Hermione. "Why is Snape playing Christine?"

"Well, he's the only one who could fit in the costume. And..." Snape hit a high high C. "Because of that." Bellatrix finished.

"Wow..." Ron said. "He's good."

"Ok, get out!" Bellatrix yelled.

"What if we don't want to?" asked Ginny in a baby like fashion.

"You don't wanna leave? Fine. I know how to settle this."

"How?" asked Hermione?

"Magical Duel!" Bella said as the stage rose up in the air, while distant cries of "What the..." were heard from Snape. A new arena was placed in its place and Bella began to recite the rules for this Magical Duel. "All right, it'll be a four against four all out match."

"Hey!" yelled Ernie McMillan in the audience. " We are watching a musical here!"

"My thoughts exactly!" screeched Snape in his girlish voice. "One Hundred points from Gryffindor!"

"Intermission everyone!" yelled Bellatrix. "Out of our theatre!" Everyone did so. "Okay, so who do you pick?"

"Well, myself of course." said Harry. "Then, we need Neville because you killed his parents and that makes it even more dramatic. Then let's see, Lupin, because he's so high, he's pretty much numb, and... Harva. Because she's my sister and family has to stick together!"

"What?" shrieked Hermione, Ron, and Ginny. "You pick the druggie. the nerd and the girl you just met two minutes ago? Over your best friends and your ex?"

"Well, I'm sorry." Harry said," But you guys are too wimpy sometimes. I mean come on, Ron, you got dragged off.. by a dog, and Hermione, that punch you threw at Draco wasn't really that good." Harry said, becoming a little mean.

Hermione punched him. "Who's the weakling now biotch?" she yelled. Harry had slumped over on the ground clutching a bloody nose.

"ok, maybe you do throw a decent punch...ahh." Harry whined, as he was keeled over in pain.

"Can we get on with it?" Bellatrix said. "Okay, for my group, I pick Lucius, because he has an awesome pimp stick, Snape because he's greasy and I want to force him into as many life threatening situations as possible, and... Narcissa, because like you said, family has to stick together. Oh, and myself."

"What?" yelled Voldemort.

"Well master, no offense, but you're kindda a wuss."

"That's it Bella, you are no longer invited to Pancake Tuesdays!"

Everyone sniggered.

"What! But master, then you won't get any of my homemade peach syrup that you love so much." Bella said.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Voldemort said sulking.

"Ahh, is Voldiepoo sad?" Snape cooed. Voldemort nodded. "Does Voldiepoo need a tickles?" Voldemort pouted. "Ahh, Voldiepoo is playing hard to get!"

Snape commenced to tickle 'Voldiepoo.' Lucius Malfoy looked disgusted. "God I'm so glad Draco isn't here to see this. He has enough bad ideas as it is."

Draco walked into the room, also in a dress. "Draco!" Lucius exclaimed. "What are you wearing?"  
"Oh sorry daddy!" Draco squealed. "Candy got sick and threw up all over herself, so as understudy, I have to play Meg now!"

"Candy, is that your new girlfriend?" Lucius said hopefully.

"No daddy," Draco rolled his eyes. "Candy is Mummy's new P.A. She's also our newest recruit!"

Blaze Zerbini walked into the room. "Draco, you said I could zip you up!"

"Yes, yes, go on, do it." He said turning around so the zipper could be reached.

"Ahh, does Draciepoo need someone to help him?" Ron cooed in a mock-like voice.

"Ron?" Draco said looking happily at Ron. "I never knew you returned my ardor! I've been madly in love with you since I first saw you making out with Harry that one time... I can't believe you love me!"

"Umm, actually, I was just kidding..." Ron said uncomfortably.

"Oh. Oh of course. I was too. Continue zipping Blaze."

"Ok... all done." said Blaze.

"Now, step aside father." Draco said. "The show must go on." As he said this he punched his fist in the air in a 'charge' like motion and leaped on stage in his tutu because as we know, Meg is a ballerina in Phantom.

"Hey, are we gonna get back to the Magical Duel?" Hermione asked.

"Why do you care? You weren't picked for anyone's team...ugly." The princess Mary Sue said.

"Bitch!" yelled Hermione, throttling the other girl.

"All, right let's continue." Said Bellatrix, unfazed. "Other rules, no Avada Kedavra, no imperiusing, cruciatus allowed in extreme circumstances. Hitting with the pimp stick is permitted, and you can't step out of the magic circle of awesomety until we finish."

"What's the magic circle of whatever?"

"Basically, a circle we draw with chalk. Now, each competitor has to face another one at a time in a game of the winning teams choosing. The pairs are:" she began picking names out of a hat. "Harry and Snape, Neville and myself, Harva and Narcissa, and Lucius and Lupin. Harry and Snape, you go first. We'll flip a coin to see who gets to pick." Tails won, and Harry got to choose.

"Jumprope!" Harry proclaimed. "No way he can win in a dress!"

Just then, Snape ripped off his dress to reveal some very short shorts and a beater.

"Ewww..." All the girls screamed as they backed up in disgust.

"What?" Snape hissed.

"You're hairy!" said Ginny.

"No Ginny! I'm Harry!" Harry screamed. "Damn, first Dan Radcliffe plays me, and now Snape is me? What the hell?"

Harva looked at him with disgust. "How are we even related?"

"Okay, we need two people to turn the ropes for each of you." Said Bellatrix. "They can't be competing.

"Then I pick Ginny and Hermione, because they're girls."

Harva looked at him. "Wow, you ARE sexist, aren't you?"

"And I pick my Voldiepoo, and Malfoy Jr. because they embrace they're sexuality."

"Yea for us!" said Voldiepoo and Draco at the same time. Then the competition began and Ace and Em showed up again.

"Hey Ace wanna go double or nothing that Snape falls?"

"I'll take that bet." Ace said, smirking because Em didn't know Snape was the Jump Roping king when he went to Hogwarts.

"Ohhh, and Potter falls, giving the first round to Snape." an announcer said over the loudspeaker.

"Where's that voice coming from? Is it in my head?" Ginny said, cowering a little.

"Damn.. I just can't win today." Em said as she handed Ace another twenty.

"And yet again I say 'Yesss!'"

"Okay, who's next? Me and the Longbottom brat?"

"Yup. Let's do this!"

"Okay, I declare this round a dance off! Malfoy, drop a beat!"  
All three Malfoys began pumping out a beat as Bellatrix began to do the moonwalk.

"Nice moonwalk!" Ace yelled. "But that is so 80s!"

"Yea, learn some new steps!" Em yelled.

Neville began to break dance. "See, now those are some moves!" Ace yelled. All the girls in the audience cooed again for Neville.

Bellatrix began to do the worm.

"Boo! You suck!" A very drunk and high Lupin said, slurring his words, as he stumbled a bit.

Neville began to moonwalk, but much better then Bellatrix.

"Hey! That's really good!" Ace said.

"What!" Bella screamed. "I was just doing that! You said it was so 80's" she said in a mocky-mimicky voice.

"Yes, but as the authors, we like Neville better honey." Em said.

"So, yeah Neville wins." ace said.

"Yessss..." Neville said.

"Okay, what's the next event." Ginny asked.

"Well, it's Harva versus Narcissa, and Harva gets to pick."

"I pick an actually duel! All you wimps and your jump ropes!"

"Okay, begin on my whistle." said Madame Hooch, who was never in this story earlier, but Ace feels like throwing another character into the mix, so there you go.

Whistle Noise

"Crucio!" shouted both at once.

"Wow, those two are serious bitches!" said Neville. The spell ended and they both stood panting.

"Expelliarmus!" shouted Narcissa. Suddenly, she dropped dead.

"What the Hell?" exclaimed the death eaters. "How did you do that?"

Adriel snickered. " I can kill people by looking at them, if they don't suspect it!" she whispered to Ginny, who paled visibly.

"Please don't kill me, please, don't kill me. Why would you wanna kill me? Please, don't kill me!" Ginny pleaded at Adriel's feet.

"What?" yelled Bellatrix. "You cheater!"

"Actually, you never sad we couldn't use outside help." said Harva.

"She's got a good point there." Ace said, while eating some popcorn and enjoying the show.

"Raisinettes Em?" Ace asked, extending the candy to her friend.

"Ew, no." Emsiok wrinkled her nose. "Raisins are gross. Where are the milk duds?"

"Oh, I think they're under the seat, hold on..." Ace said as she checked under her chair. "Here they are." She said handing her friend her preferred candy.

She popped one in her mouth.

"Mmmm. My favorite." Em said. "

"Shh, someone's about to say something important regarding the duel." Ace said, while waving her hand somewhat near Em's face.

"Okay, last battle. Winner take all. Lupin versus Lucius. Lupin picks."

"Drinking contest!" yelled Lupin, already somewhat drunk.

"Lupin, you're already somewhat drunk.. How much longer do you think you'll last?" Harry asked.

"I...could go...all night!" Lupin slurred. then he fell over.

"Well, guess I win!" said Lucius.

"Not so fast!" said Ginny. "You have to drink at least one glass of some alcoholic beverage to win."

Lucius paled. "All right." They poured him a glass of beer, which he sipped carefully, until...

"He's finished! Still upright!"

And he was. Barely. "I can't hold me ale!" he yelled, tipping back and forth.

"We win!" said Bellatrix. Snape and Voldiepoo began making out.

"Oh well, guess that's that." Ron said. "We'll leave, but... expect us back Tuesday for the public viewing of 'Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft and Wizardry's presentation of 'Phantom of the Opera.'" Ron said, while smiling at a camera. "What aren't you gonna coo for my smile? "Ron asked, getting pouty.

All they heard were crickets chirping.

"All right, let's go over to the lady of the lake because we've been talking for a long time and haven't yet done what we're supposed to." said Harry. Then Cedric Diggory came up from

beyond the grave and did a 'I am very sexy' dance.

"What?" shouted Ace. "Em, that was pure randomness."

"Ace, isn't this whole story pure randomness?" Em asked.

"Okay, well then, I want to see Danny!" said Ace.

"Fine." said Emsiok. "Even though he's a sucky actor."

Meanwhile, in the lair of Tricoulum/Baby/Victor/Hermione snatcher/Hermione's husband...

"Hahaha! Keep dancing!"

"Please stop!" cried Radcliffe, beginning to cry.

"Oh please!" said the demon. "you're cry scenes suck!"

"I'm really crying!" he blubbered.

"Yeah, sure!"

Daniel poofed away.

Back at Hogwarts...

"Yay!" shouted all the girls, except Emsiok who thinks Radcliffe is annoyingly bad and pasty.

"Oh my God!" Ace said running up to Dan. "I love you sooo much! See that blonde over there, yeah well ignore any mean comment she makes toward you. She's just pissed that Cedric dies in the fourth movie and you don't. I think she likes him better." Ace whispered.

"Duh!" said Emsiok. "You're a twink!"

Radcliffe started to cry. "And you're cry scenes are terrible!"

"Why will nobody believe I'm really crying!"

"Ohhh, it's okay honey.." Ace said. "I believe you. You do great crying scenes." Ace said, while she sent a death glare towards Em. She was starting to get pissed because it was after eleven o'clock at night, and while Em is one of her best friends, she was really starting to bug Ace with the crying comments.

"Okay, well you all better go see that lake lady, or else we might have to change the title of this chapter or something!" exclaimed Emsiok. "No, not you Ceddie my dear. You get to stay here with us."


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Okay, this chapter got a little messed up because of computer troubles. So, yeah. Not that it matters. nothing in this makes sense anyway. Please review. Also, I know aI said I'ld get that Mary Sue thing up, but yeah, I haven't. Anyway... review now.

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Chapter 8: Attack of the Heffalumps and Woozles.

"So," said Harry, "Malfoy's in a dress."

"Yes, yes he is," said Ginny.

"Do you think he'll become a cross dresser... if he isn't already one?" Harry asked.

"Oh, oh, maybe he'll become a drag queen!" Neville exclaimed.

Then they arrived at the lake. They all got out there scuba gear and dived in to go talk to the lady of the lake.

"Hey... I think that's her." Ron said, sounding gurgley.

"What?" Hermione said.

"That's her!" Ron said, now pointing and doing weird hand gestures.

"What? I still can't understand you." Hermione said.

"Oh Never Mind!" Ron said.

"What?" she asked again.

Ron looked frustrated as he led everyone toward the lady of the lake.

"Remind me why I'm here again?" said Harva in a bored tone.

"Shut up Meany-Pants!" yelled Harry.

"Two Year old!" muttered Harva

"Bet you won't hit her!" said Ron.

Harry lunged for his long lost sister. "Wait!" Hermione yelled. "How can you fight under water?" she asked.

"I don't know." Harry said. "Maybe I shouldn't hit her..."

"What! Don't chicken out on me now! Hermione, I'll show you how to fight under water!" Harva yelled as she lunged at Harry."

"Bubble!" yelled Ginny. "Shiiiiiiiinyyyyyy!"

"Ginny! Get back here!" Hermione said as she swam after Ginny, who was chasing the shiny bubble.

"I wan' the bubble!"

"Ginny!" Ron yelled "Listen to your soon to be sister! I'm marrying Hermione, so that will make her your sister. She told you to come back. Listen to her!"

"So, anyways, there's the lady of the lake." Harry said after he finished fighting with Harva.

"Gimee bubbles!" cried Ginny.

"No Ginny! No more bubbles!" Ron said, running his hand over his face.

"I want the bubbles!"

"No Ginny." Ron said, talking to her like she was a two year old. "No more bubbles." he said patting her head.

"Whahahaha!" she screamed. "I want my b-bubbles!" she hiccupped.

"Ginny!" Ron said. "Stop acting like a two year old!"

"Meany pants!" she screamed.

"You just proved my point." Ron said.

"Give me the God Damn Bubbles you man whore!" screamed the red head.

"Fine... here's your damn bubbles." Ron muttered as he scooped up some bubbles and handed them to Ginny.

"Mwahahahahahaha!" yelled the woman who wasn't actually Ginny. "Now that I have been given the magical bubbles of the lake by a mortals free will, I can rule the lake!"

"Don't you already do that? I mean, as you are Lady of the Lake and all?"

"No, I just give kings swords, take them off to magic islands called Avalon, and help to have them killed by kids who are there son AND nephew."

"Hey! His son and his nephew? It's just like Greek Mythology!" Harry said.

"Yea! Are you Hera or Zeus?" Neville asked, while laughing his ass off.

"So…" said Hermione, "You're like a whore or something?"

"Yes..." the lady of the lake said.

"Oh cool, just like me!" said Cho Chang who was then shot through the head with a harpoon gun.

"What?" said Hermione, confused.

"Hermione, you are the dumbest smart girl to have walked the planet." Said Ron

"Yea Hermione, You're so smart, you're stupid!" Harry said.

"Harry, I basically JUST said that." Ron said.

"Yeah, well you're poor so no one gives a crap what YOU say!" Harry retorted.

"You have no family!" Ron yelled back. Everybody gasped.

"Man, yo mama so ugly…"

"My mama so ugly… what?"

"I don't even need to finish, just look in a mirror!"

"Oh yea! Well yo mamma WAS so stupid, she died to save your ass!

"Ron, that's a bit harsh." Hermione said.

"Yea, I'm sorry," Ron said, looking ashamed.

"Yo mama so dumb, she started taking birth control AFTER she got pregnant."

"Fine! You wanna play dirty pool! We'll play! Yo mamma so fat, she walked outside in a raincoat and everyone yelled 'taxi!' " Ron said.

"I would not be yelling fat joke about MY mama. Yo mamma so stupid, someone rang the doorbell and she checked the microwave. Hey, guess that proves she only thinks about food too!"

"Ohhhhhhhhh" everyone said.

"Ok! Now you've gone too far!" Ron said.

But Harry just kept going.

"Yo mama just like a pirate. Thar she blows!"

"Please, just stop..." Ron said as he broke down in tears.

"Yo mama so fat, she jumps in the ocean and the whales start singing, 'we are family! Though you got way more blubber then me!"" he sang the last part.

"Nice falsetto Harry!" Ginny exclaimed.

"Ginny, you're supposed to be on my side! And he's talking about your mom too!" Ron cried.

"Man, yo mama so ugly, the mirror went on strike! She's so fat, the last time she went for a walk, they had to call a tow truck. She so poor, that she found a card board box and yelled 'hey kids, moving day!'"

"HARRY! THATS ENOUGH!" Hermione shouted as she swam over to comfort a crying Ron. Don't ask how all of this happened under water when a while ago, they couldn't understand what each other was saying. it's magic!

"I'm sorry!" Harry said, "I don't know what came over me!"

"B..b...bit...bitch!" Ron said

"Ron! Quit stuttering!" Harry said. "Really talk to me.. and I'm a man.. don't you mean bastard?"

"WHAHAHAHA!" cried Ron. "Everyone hates me! And nobody cares about my terminal nose cancer!"

"Umm, Ron, you didn't tell us about the terminal nose cancer..."

"Oh I didn't? Well, I have terminal nose cancer."

"Oh, well, that's too bad. But you're kind of right, nobody really cares."

"WAHHHHHH" Ron cried like a baby.

"Awww," said Draco, coming up behind Ron. "Does Ronniepoo need a tickles?"

"Umm, no, please get away now." Ron said.

"Draco!" yelled Blaze. "You said I could help you with your scuba gear!"

"Yes, yes, get to it." Draco said.

"What the hell is he doing here?" Harry muttered.

"I'm here to try out for a new job!"

"Umm what job?"

"Oh, that would be with me," said the lady of the lake. "I assume you're Draco Malfoy? I thought you were a girl. So you're trying out for the part of Belle?"

"What the hell?" yelled Ron. "Why is everyone putting on musicals? And why are all of the death eater men trying out for the lead woman?"

"Oh, well we're trying to recreate the Elizabethan Era days when men played the women's roles too. Some women just aren't good enough." the Lady of the Lake said.

"You're ALL sexist aren't you!" Harva exclaimed

"So, when do I get the yellow dress?" said Draco excitedly.

"Yes, yes!" said Blaze. "The yellow dress! Oh, you'll look fabulous!"

"And you Blaze, can zip it up!" Draco said.

"Yay!" said Blaze, clapping excitedly.

"Is that all you're useful for?" asked a frustrated Lady of the Lake, "'cause we really need some people for crew."

"Ooh, ooh!" exclaimed Blaze, "Can I be costume mistress?"

"Don't you mean master?"

Blaze giggled, "Oh, yeah, of course!"

"So, I'm really the blunt one from the group, so I'm gonna ask.." Hermione said. "Blaze, are you gay?"

Blaze giggled, "of course not! Silly!"

Hermione nodded sagely, "Oh, so you're bi, right?"

"Damn girl, you are blunt huh?" Blaze asked as he slightly giggled.

"So, are you bi?" Hermione asked.

"Yes." Blaze said.

"Oh, good, because I am finding you strangely attractive. Should I be worried?"

"Mmm, Blazeie like!"

"Blaze!" Draco slapped his 'special friend' "Blaze!" Draco said again. "Don't get caught up in the mudblood, she's marrying Weasley, and you're MY special friend!" Draco hissed.

"Which Weasley is she marrying? 'Cause yo momma just like a rabbit! She keeps makin babies!" Blaze said.

"What the Hell is this? 'Gang up on Ron an make fun of his mother' day" Ron asked, getting annoyed.

"Okay, so we've got our costume... whatever, and Belle. Anyone else interested?"

"Oh, oh, can I play Mrs. Potts?" said Luna.

"I want to be the feather duster!" yelled Ginny.

"Then I want to play Lumiere!" said Harry, thinking of the scenes where Lumiere makes out with the feather duster. "Wait, those scenes ARE in the musical right?"

"Yes, yes, of course." the lady said.

"We'll we still need someone to play the Beast!" exclaimed Blaze, already busily at work with a bundle of yellow chiffon.

"Yes! Some one to star opposite of moi!" exclaimed Malfoy excitedly. "How about Ron?" he said, trying but not succeeding to keep the enthusiasm from his voice.

"Um..no." Ron said.

Malfoy started to tear up at Ron's rejection. "Tha..that, that's ok." He said, trying to hide his sadness, and his blubbering.

"I'll play the beast!" exclaimed Snape, snorkeling up to the group.

"No Seviepoo, you can't sing that low!" giggled Voldemort. "I'll do it!"

"Again, I'll be the blunt one and ask... Voldiepoo, I mean Voldemort, are you gay?" Hermione asked.

"What, you didn't see me making out with Seviepoo earlier?" Voldemort asked in his falsetto voice as he giggled a bit.

"Voldie, there's something I have to tell you." Snape said in a serious voice. "I'm a woman."

"WHAT?" yelled Voldemort. "But, I should've been able to tell if you were lying!"

"Umm, sweetie, remember, occlumency?"

"Wait," said Harry. "Do you mean my parents knew about this?"

"Of course! The real reason Sirius hated me was because I'm the only girl in the castle who wouldn't sleep with him!"

"So, what do you REALLY look like?" asked the blunt one. Snape wiped off his fake beard and moustache, pulled off the fake wig, took off the super high heals, removed the fake leg hair, took off the scuba gear and robes to reveal a tank and mini skirt.

Harry stared with horror in the face of "MOM?


End file.
